My Top Five Favourite Things About Neil Oliver

1. His never-ending walk. Much like a shark, it is believed that Neil Oliver would instantly die if he remained stationary for any length of time. This is why each of his BBC documentaries feature him stomping through mountainous wilderness, as urban obstructions such as fences and pedestrian crossings present a potentially fatal danger to Neil Oliver. As a man who has been in perpetual motion for 44 years, Neil Oliver has had ample time to perfect his walk. Whether he is leaping from a mossy outcrop or slinking through a henge, Neil Oliver always walks with the confidence, purpose and determination of a man marching from a bar to a car park to bludgeon the local sex criminal to death. Neil Oliver’s never-ending walk is undoubtedly one of my top five favourite things about Neil Oliver.

2. His head. Neil Oliver famously has the face of a warrior and the hair of a whore. Often seen billowing in the Scottish wind, Neil Oliver’s resplendent plumage has quickly become as familiar and comforting to the British television audience as David Attenborough’s voice or Cheryl Cole’s racism. Bursting out of his scalp like burnt snakes desperately trying to escape his brain’s constant thoughts about brochs, Neil Oliver’s bangs frame his brooding Scottish face perfectly. The fiery eyes of William Wallace, the granite jawline of Robert the Bruce and the badgirl locks of Suzi Quatro. Neil Oliver’s head is irrefutably one of my top five favourite things about Neil Oliver.

3. His unshakable enthusiasm. Don’t get me wrong, I like the coast as much as the next man, unless that man happens to be Neil Oliver. If you asked Neil Oliver what his three favourite things were he’d say the coast, then he’d say the coast again, and then when you pointed out that he’d already said the coast he’d bundle you into the boot of his Range Rover, drive you to the nearest coast, strip you naked and drag you over miles of grating sand and jagged rock until he finally hurled your bloodied and unconscious body into the sea as an offering to his coast god. Similar rules apply to arrow heads, iron smelting and hills. I admire this passion, and I would say that Neil Oliver’s unshakable enthusiasm is unequivocally one of my top five favourite things about Neil Oliver.

4. His clothes. Over the past five years, Neil Oliver has successfully defined a brand new style of clothing - archaeologist-casual. To replicate this, all you need is; a sturdy pair of brown walking boots as, regardless of terrain, Neil Oliver has places to be and he will not be slowed down by inadequate footwear; the thickest and darkest woollen jumper you can get your hands on as, whilst Neil Oliver likes brightly-coloured t-shirts as much as anyone, he has wisely learned from history and concluded that they would be both impractical and conspicuous in the event of another English invasion; a big brown satchel in which he keeps, amongst other things, a fish-based sandwich, a jar of sand from his favourite coast and a hammer to kill Highland wolves. Yes, Neil Oliver’s clothes are unquestionably one of my top five favourite things about Neil Oliver.

5. His current Scottish tourism advert. Neil Oliver is a patriot, the likes of which haven’t been seen on Scottish television since the demise of comedian Craig Hill. It came as no surprise, then, to hear Neil Oliver’s excitable squawking in the latest Scottish tourism advert. In the advert - also written, directed and filmed by Neil Oliver - Neil Oliver has forty seconds to explain to the wider world exactly why he has such a grotesquely swollen broom-handle for Scotland. Neatly avoiding outdated arguments such as golf, whisky and hills, Neil Oliver questions “Where else can you visit a castle in the morning...and spend the evening in a treehouse?” Some cynics will answer that you can do this literally anywhere that has a castle and a treehouse, but I personally find it such a convincing reason to visit Scotland that I plan to emigrate just so I can visit a castle in the morning and spend the evening in a treehouse at a later date. Indeed, Neil Oliver’s current Scottish tourism advert is incontrovertibly one of my top five favourite things about Neil Oliver.